Death and Rebirth
by Venath
Summary: If you could go back and change things, what would you do? Who could you save? Who could you stop? Who could you forgive? If it wasn't for her, he would never have had the chance to find out. But now...Time Travel fic.


Disclaimer: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion.

AN: Well, here goes my first shot at an Evangelion fic. Hope you enjoy!

_Thought_

**Time Passage**

* * *

"_You just believed what you wanted to believe."_

"_I won't rely on anyone!" _

_** "I won't rely on you!"**_

"_All I ever do is hurt other people, so I'd rather do nothing at all!" _

_** "It would be better to just do nothing than to…"**_

"_Nobody cares whether I live or die." _

_** "I'm going to die."**_

"_You won't even hold me! You're no one!" _

_** "No one!"**_

"_You betrayed me! You betrayed my feelings!" _

"_A woman with a mole like a tear on her cheek is destined to a life full of heartache and sorrow." _

_** "The truth is, I did love you." **_

_** "You liar."**_

"_I didn't believe that anyone could love me. I never deserved to be loved." _

_** "How could anyone love me?"**_

"_You stupid pervert! I didn't mean to get that up!" _

_** "W-w-whaaa!"**_

"_Somehow, I feel I was born to meet you." _

_** "I love you."**_

"_Then why are you here?" _

"_Ah, come on! We saw you looking!" _

_** "You were looking weren't you! You pervert!"**_

"_This is your home now, so make yourself comfortable. And take advantage of everything here, except me of course!" _

_ "I'll do the rest when you come back."_

"_You never understood anything." _

"_You get to see the true side of her that she doesn't allow us to see. That's very much like a family." _

"_And so this is my retribution. Forgive me, Shinji." _

_** "I'm so sorry…"**_

"_It's overpriced! But that's okay, here's your change!" _

_** "Disgusting little freak!"**_

"_Nothing will change…so they can all just die!" _

_** "Just die!"**_

"_In truth, death may be the only absolute freedom there is." _

"_Discovery may be joy, but knowledge is power." _

**"_Why won't you look at me!" _**

"_I'd rather live in a world with people in it, no matter how stained it is with sin." _

"_When Shinji is near me, all I ever do is cause him pain. I thought it was better when I did nothing at all." _

"_**I'm incapable of doing anything good for anybody else." **_

"_I don't wanna be alone!" _

"_You'll have to make your own decisions; no one can do it for you." _

"_**I'm saying I love you." **_

* * *

His eyes shot open, barely taking in the foreign surroundings as he sat up to get a better look.

_Where…where is this place?_

"This is your place, world, Shinji Ikari." He moved to his feet at the sound of the voice, backing up hurriedly until he saw the familiar face. The hair was lighter, more white than blue, and the eyes were a darker red, but it was no mistaking her.

"Ayanami? What's going on?"

"I am not the one you call Rei Ayanami. Not surely, truly, quite."

"W-what do you mean? What's happening!"

"I am the one you call Angel, Second Angel, Lilith."

"An Angel!" He stepped back, prepared to run if she showed any signs of hostility. Though admittedly it was more out of instinct than any true desire to flee.

"The Angel Lilith. Do not be feared-afraid, I mean no pain, harm."

"You…don't?" She shook her head, pausing to look curiously at her swaying hair, fingering it lightly.

"S-so, why do you keep talking like that?"

"My sorrows…apologies, if I am wrong, mistaken in my wording. I am trying to learn, speak, understand your words, your kin's languages. You are many, and so few with the same ways of speaking. I am sometimes unsure of whether I am using those that are proper."

"You've never spoken any human language?" That…well, that actually made sense.

"Not so much at once. All of your hearts, souls, merged as one, now I can see them all, but they are…"

"Mixed together?" She nodded, smiling at his understanding.

"So what is this place? Where are we?"

"Your place, your world."

"Huh?"

"An ocean of my blood, what you call LCL. A world where there are no walls, barriers between souls, where you are everywhere. Yet where at the same time, you are nothing, nowhere, all at once."

_So this is…_He dropped to the orange "sea" that was somehow solid and liquid at once, bringing his knees up to his chest. _This is the end._

"Why? Why did you bring me here?" She walked…No, more like she glided towards him, dropping down beside him just as he had. If it weren't all so incredibly insane he might have laughed at the childish attempt to mimic and unfamiliar action.

"I wished to teach, explain, about myself and him, the one you call the Angel, Adam."

"Okay…" This was just so strange. He was sitting here with one of the very things that had been trying to destroy his entire species at the end of the world, and she just wanted to chat about something? But she just felt so familiar…"Yeah, okay. I think I'd like that. So can I ask a question?"

"Of course, Shinji."

"What **are** the Angels? Really?"

"I suppose you would not know, would you? It was long before your days, time, before your species even came into being. Even we, us, Adam and I, were not the origin of all things. Many of our type, kind, were spread across the heavens by the ones with no names. For what purpose did they send us? Who can say? Perhaps it was a game, an experiment. Maybe an act of random kindness. Or they merely had nothing else of interest to do at the time. Whatever their reasons, we were created to bring life to other spaces, bodies…no, no, worlds."

"I'm not sure I understand. So you're telling me these "ones with no names" were intelligent enough to make something like you, and they sent out the Angels and our kind expecting something good to happen?"

"As I said, I do not know their minds, reasons. They did not, however, intend for the Children of Adam to meet my own. I spoke, mentioned before that our union was forbidden. This was not a lie. Adam and I were not meant to exist in the same space. The circumstances which occurred on this planet resulting in both of our kind being present at once were unseen, unprecedented. Fate, or destiny, or chance your kind might have called it."

"I guess it's at least good to know that they didn't want us to slaughter each other."

"Yes, much, quite. Though I doubt this was the reason for their decision. The truth is that they feared us, and what our union would create. If those such as Adam were to bond with one of my breed, they knew that it would result in the creation of a being that could very well meet their own power. Perhaps even surpass it."

"And now you've finally done it. So what's next? What will you do with all that power?" Lilith let out a surprisingly girlish giggle, far from what he'd have expected from something that might be the closest thing to God that he would ever see. Really, and he'd thought it was embarrassing enough when he said something foolish in front of teenage girls. This was just ridiculous.

"W-What? What'd I say?"

"Nothing. You are just so small, young. Your first thought is always that the power lies with those who are senior, older than yourself. Shinji, I'm not the one who received that power." His eyes widened, searching for a possible alternative.

"Then…then Adam?"

"No, my dear little Shinji. You. You're the one that was chosen to decide the course of destiny." He turned to her, and she tilted her head in confusion. His expression was fearful, terrified even. Would most not be happy with such an ability at their disposal? _But he is not most, I suppose._

"No. No! It can't be! I'm just-I'm not-No! How!"

"Because we chose it."

"Why? Why the hell would you and Adam choose me! I'm nothing! Nothing but a coward! Just another cowardly, dishonest human! The things I've done…I don't deserve…"

"They didn't believe that, nor do I." She leaned forward, resting her head on her knees and looking up at him through her bangs.

"They? They who?"

"Tabris, and my sisters, daughters, others." He pulled at his hair in frustration.

"I don't know what you're talking about!"

"My sorr-apologies, Little Shinji. I'm afraid I have not properly elaborated, conveyed, my meaning. I believe you knew they, them, my others, as Rei Ayanami. And the Angel Tabris, him-he was called Kaworu, Nagisa Kaworu of the organization SEELE."

"Kaworu? No, but he's-he was-I killed him!"

"Do you believe this changed his feelings?"

"No! I-I…I don't…" A moment passed before look of understanding crossed her features.

"You hate, blame yourself for his death."

_Of course I do!_

"How could I not? I killed him! I crushed him to death with Unit One!" He didn't blame himself because he felt like it or something, he did it because it **was** his fault.

"You still mi-fail, to understand."

"What is there to understand!" He dropped his gaze, rubbing at his eyes. He hated crying in front of people so there was no way he'd do so in front of an Angel. So of course he was surprised when he felt a gentle grip on his arm, the Angel's impossibly soft skin gently lifting it from his eyes before moving to wrap her arms around him in a stiff embrace.

"W-what are-"

"Is this not correct? I understand that this is a form of affection, comfort."

"It is, but…why would you want to?"

"We don't feel. Not like you. We learn, we gain knowledge, but we cannot understand all that we know by ourselves. All things, all life on your planet, are descended from me, my blood, this thing you called LCL. Yet of all the countless lives I've birthed, created, you're the only one I've had the opportunity to love." His head shot up, no longer hiding the watery eyes widened in shock.

"You're surprised? I only watched, observed, until you began the merging, this "Instrumentality" that has occurred. For the first time in my history I have been able to feel, living as one of my children through your eyes. I felt your hate, sorrow, regret, pain…and though not as often, your joy, your hope, your love. So many feelings, flowing through me in a way I never imagined, dreamed. There is no doubt that Tabris felt then, in the end, as I do now."

"B-But how? I killed-"

"Shinji, look into your heart. Do you truly believe Tabris, Kaworu, would have been defeated if he had not allowed it?"

He couldn't deny that. He had never viewed himself as the best pilot, that had always been Asuka's claim to fame, but none of them would have stood a chance against Kaworu if he'd wanted them dead. He could have easily merged with Lilith as they struggled to stop the rogue Unit-02, or simply pressed harder to force the deadlock between the two Evangelion Units in his favor. _But I can't just forget. Kaworu…_

"He didn't choose to die for humanity. He died for you, wanted you to choose. Just as I have experienced humanity through you, so too did he, and it was through you that he deemed humanity worthy of survival. Rei Ayanami, though experiencing your feelings and those of humanity in a different manner, also felt this was the best choice. Felt that **you** were the best choice." She leaned back slightly, placing a hand against his heart.

"You may hate yourself as much as you wish, but to us, you will always be the kind little boy who is far too hard on himself. Our little Shinji." With that he broke, not even bothering to hide the tears as he leaned forward to rest his head against her shoulder.

"W-what…What should I do?"

"Well, that is up to you, Shinji."

"Please, tell me! I just want someone to help me!" She let out a soft sigh, pulling him closer.

"No one can help you any more than they have. They have already forgiven you, accepted you. The only one left who needs to accept you…is you." He stood straight again and turned to look away as she asked her next question. "Why do you carry such a horrible hatred for yourself?"

"…I…" He took a deep breath. "I was afraid. I was so afraid that I didn't deserve to be loved. Afraid that I didn't deserve to love anything. Every time I tried to do something I just seemed to cause more pain. And so…I thought that it would be better to just do nothing."

"And so you ran away."

"Yes. But running away, just ignoring everything, it only made things even worse than before. There was nothing I could do, nothing I couldn't do, without hurting someone. It would have been better if I just didn't exist at all. And now…"

"And now no one exists." His shoulders began to tremble as he crossed his arms, as if to ward off a blow. Even when he felt her rest against him, wrapping him in her arms once again, it did little to stop the shaking.

"Now no one exists." _Now I'm all alone._

"If you don't want to be alone, then don't be." He twisted around at those words, which was relatively complicated given that the Angel clearly had no intention of loosening her grip.

"You could do it now, if you wished. You could rewrite history. Remove all of the suffering and pain from the world. Create it anew, if you felt like it. Make everyone love you, make everyone help you."

"I couldn't. Even if I could, I can't. I'm trying to forgive myself. Really, I am. But no matter what I might think of myself, I can't just change people, can't just make them act the way I want." He trailed off, noticing that her smile had changed, almost as though she was approving of him.

"Then you have proven true our beliefs about you, Shinji Ikari. What is your wish, if not to change everyone else?"

"I wish…I wish I could turn everything back. That I could redo my life, could make better choices, could make myself a better person. I want to be able to…" _I want to be able to love who I am._

"Then so it shall be."

"What?" He tried to pull away, but she held him even more tightly than before.

"Until we meet again, my little Shinji."

And the world burst into light before fading into darkness.

* * *

AN: So…like, don't like? Either way, I appreciate reviews. Hope to see you all next chapter.


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